Here's the deal...I am new at this. I am ready for my life and it's purpose. I mean I know my children are my purpose and my LIFE. But what I mean is ME. What am I doing with MY life. I feel a calling. I know am meant for something BIG. There is a fire in me and it want's to burn bright and for everyone to feel it's warmth. So enough with the metaphors.
I wanted to document my journey. A way to look back when I am older and (hopefully) wiser to show how I have grown in my faith. (I have MANY dreams for this little blog!)
I have some fears about being close to God. I kinda feel like I am on the bleachers, interested, faithful, but WATCHING God work. I am ready to step down there into the arena. BUT here it is. I am afraid that when I do that I will be tested! I will be given things to deal with (that I know I will handle through him) but scary, hard things. I was thinking that this is what I am most afraid of! I know I am blessed. But the good goes with the bad. Right? I certainly know that.
I fear that all of the godly people I want surrounding me will see me at my worst and go away.
I fear that I will blame God when bad things happen and not get over it.
I fear that my circumstances will stop me from being my best.
I fear that I will not remember things, (I have a TERRIBLE memory) people's prayer requests. People that have shared with me their hardships, and I don't remember to ask the next time that I see them.
I fear that cynicism will reign and take hold of me when I don't feel life is going my way.
So the opposite of fear is.......courage. I have googled it and it is FAITH. Okay.
So I am a little bit like the Lion from The Wizard of Oz. The first time we meet him he is so ferocious and talks some big talk and then we find out he insn't so tough. I know, like the lion that I have had it all along. I need to use it. So I like using faith, it is easier.
I have faith that I can tackle my problems, my circumstances.
I have faith that people are good.
I have faith that God will show me the way.
I have faith.
I am ready to be a warrior for God. Cheesy. Yes. But that is how I like to put in in perspective. I am a warrior. I need to step up and I need to fight against these fears. I am stronger that I was yesterday and it is only going to get better.....
Bubbles
Thursday, January 21, 2010
My Jo said "bubble" today! I was a bit worried that she may be delayed. I mean if she is it's okay I can handle it. But I sure would like to not have to drill words with her like I did her brother and sister. Her language has exploded this past week. She understands so much.
Tonight I had to laugh because I am THAT Mom! I am the Mom who asked the lady at the register to scan my baby's item as she holds it! Yep, I was not going to take Josie's item from her and put it with our other things! She would get upset. For the record I was NEVER that lady. I do sometimes wish Nicholas and Haley could have had THIS lady. The wiser Mom. The Mom who dotes.
Tonight I had to laugh because I am THAT Mom! I am the Mom who asked the lady at the register to scan my baby's item as she holds it! Yep, I was not going to take Josie's item from her and put it with our other things! She would get upset. For the record I was NEVER that lady. I do sometimes wish Nicholas and Haley could have had THIS lady. The wiser Mom. The Mom who dotes.
Agendas
I am excited about the positive feedback for my new endeavour! It has taken me a while to accept that people are really happy for me. And genuinely care.
2 weeks ago my Pastor said something about calling a friend with no agenda to work a problem out or for advice. This was big for me. I have thought about it alot since that day. I have lived my life as though everyone has an agenda. I am grateful for the people who don't have an one. I am realizing that my friends are all around me. I am very lucky to know some strong ladies. Ladies who are pretty darn special. No one is "out to get me". I have friends who really, truly want to see me happy. That feels good. I have always been the type of person who takes what someone says to me as what they say. Period. No reading between the lines. I am that way. I say what I feel. Simple. Sometimes I shouldn't, but I do anyway.
As I read this I wonder if this should go in a little diary with a lock.
2 weeks ago my Pastor said something about calling a friend with no agenda to work a problem out or for advice. This was big for me. I have thought about it alot since that day. I have lived my life as though everyone has an agenda. I am grateful for the people who don't have an one. I am realizing that my friends are all around me. I am very lucky to know some strong ladies. Ladies who are pretty darn special. No one is "out to get me". I have friends who really, truly want to see me happy. That feels good. I have always been the type of person who takes what someone says to me as what they say. Period. No reading between the lines. I am that way. I say what I feel. Simple. Sometimes I shouldn't, but I do anyway.
As I read this I wonder if this should go in a little diary with a lock.
Spring Cleaning
This is crazy. I am so hesitant to write this as I will feel judged. So judged because what is in my head is pretty darn crazy at times.
I watched a movie once. In 5th grade. No idea what it's name was. All I know is that it had Donald Duck in it and it was the kind of thing where he was representing something...not Disney. Like he was there to teach the class a lesson. Well anyway there was a part where we went into his ear and got to see his brain. His brain had file cabinets it it. They were A MESS. Things were everywhere! I remember thinking I feel like my brain would look like that. And in ways it is. Everything has a file. Everyone has a file. At the end of this show his brain was well organized...all files put away and very tidy. Ever since THAT very moment I have wanted some tidy files. I have been going for that my whole life. So just maybe by bringing my files out of the brain into the fingertips I may have my chance!
I am walking with God. Well, God is walking and looking back saying "Come ON April! Let's catch up! YOU have a life to live! A better one."
This is all new to me. As I have always felt so judged by church and people who go to church. Never felt like I belonged. But NOW I really feel like I do. 33 years later I do.
I have taken a HUGE step. But I have taken it and it is comfortable and feels right. I am on the path I just know it. I am there. I just need to STAY there. See the thing is one thing could throw me off. Just one. Little or big. Anything could throw me off of my walk with God. I know this. It is my hope that this feeling of being sidetraked will dissipate over time.
So there my first blog. It feels nice I feel like this could work for my files. I am going to get them in order. Isn't it funny that there are pieces of life, of childhood that you remember. It is like that movie "Signs". Like I am supposed to remember these random moments.
5th grade-Donald Duck brain file movie
9 years old-Savoring moments becuase I knew I would forget them
That's it. Really, I thought I would have this gigantic list. As it usually is I have forgotten. Like always I live life and it breezes by me and only lets me keep a tiny feeling or moment. I want ALL of MY moments.
So this is it. My life. Read it and wonder why you never saw the crazy or embrace it.
I watched a movie once. In 5th grade. No idea what it's name was. All I know is that it had Donald Duck in it and it was the kind of thing where he was representing something...not Disney. Like he was there to teach the class a lesson. Well anyway there was a part where we went into his ear and got to see his brain. His brain had file cabinets it it. They were A MESS. Things were everywhere! I remember thinking I feel like my brain would look like that. And in ways it is. Everything has a file. Everyone has a file. At the end of this show his brain was well organized...all files put away and very tidy. Ever since THAT very moment I have wanted some tidy files. I have been going for that my whole life. So just maybe by bringing my files out of the brain into the fingertips I may have my chance!
I am walking with God. Well, God is walking and looking back saying "Come ON April! Let's catch up! YOU have a life to live! A better one."
This is all new to me. As I have always felt so judged by church and people who go to church. Never felt like I belonged. But NOW I really feel like I do. 33 years later I do.
I have taken a HUGE step. But I have taken it and it is comfortable and feels right. I am on the path I just know it. I am there. I just need to STAY there. See the thing is one thing could throw me off. Just one. Little or big. Anything could throw me off of my walk with God. I know this. It is my hope that this feeling of being sidetraked will dissipate over time.
So there my first blog. It feels nice I feel like this could work for my files. I am going to get them in order. Isn't it funny that there are pieces of life, of childhood that you remember. It is like that movie "Signs". Like I am supposed to remember these random moments.
5th grade-Donald Duck brain file movie
9 years old-Savoring moments becuase I knew I would forget them
That's it. Really, I thought I would have this gigantic list. As it usually is I have forgotten. Like always I live life and it breezes by me and only lets me keep a tiny feeling or moment. I want ALL of MY moments.
So this is it. My life. Read it and wonder why you never saw the crazy or embrace it.
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