If you knew where we have been. Where we come from. How much different our life was, you would understand how big Sunday, September 19 was for my family.

I always wanted to be baptized. I remember touring baptismals when I was very young. The pastor would walk me through everything I would have to do and I would get cold feet. I never really got it. I still did not think I got it, even at 34. But I realized it was simple. I believe in Jesus. I follow Jesus. My life has been changed by Jesus. Now it was time to tell everyone else. There. I realized I did not have to be perfect and no one was going to judge me.

Shane and I have been through our fair share of difficult times. But yesterday he stood right beside me as Brian and Beth baptized us. I never would have dreamed that would have EVER happened. It was almost bigger than our wedding day. Just different. We never talked about God or church when we were first married. It was something that was not a part of us. With all we endured we could have used a minute with the bible.

Here we are. Ready. Willing. Able.

Bonus

I was told that coming to church was not for ME it is for GOD. And if you walk away and feel filled up and feel like you are on top of the world...those days are bonuses.
Today was a bonus. I do tend to have many of them. Today the message was about 4 steps you must have on your spiritual journey.

1.Come as you are
2.Experience of  Grace....see my previous blog, my "moments" are experiences of GRACE!
3.A friend that takes a risk
4. TRANSFORMATION....see my previous blog...that was the title!

Do you see it? See my moment of grace TODAY? HELLO! Bonus!
I really like a list of things to check off. Luckily my Pastor likes to make 'em. I had been feeling recently that things were not progressing. I want everything NOW, NOW, NOW! I felt stagnant like maybe I was not supposed to be a Christ follower. I felt like I was not feeling God or seeing him in my life. I felt hopeless and conflicted. But today I learned that I can check off 3! And the 4th well that is a constant.

I give up on things.....if they are hard I will do it, give up. I think maybe I was going to give up on my new life. It is hard. It is hard to live as an example. Me? An example for others to learn from? Impossible....today I learned not to fast! (Nothing is impossible.)I will give in when life gets too hard. I will give up when people are people and let me down. Not anymore. It is not just me anymore. When I am weak, he is strong.

I will continue to walk in grace. I know that I am worthy of it.

Transformation

I don't have a day. A day where I accepted Jesus and my world changed. Other people have these explosive feelings on the day they accept Jesus.
I do have moments. Moments when it is all I can do to not scream and carry on about  the way I am feeling. I feel his presence. Where I read my bible and the butterflies come....
I am ready for the moments.
I have changed. I can feel my judgement slipping away. Negative is not a word I would use to describe myself anymore. I can feel the girl I was slipping away. I am okay with that.

Greater things have yet to come.

Cats

Nicholas told us tonight that cats purr when they are happy. I thought, WHAT? I never told him that? Wow! I just always thought he knew that about cats. He still needs his Mama to tell him the little things. I assumed he knows this stuff. I like being reminded that he is still my little boy and has so much to learn.

The Deal

Here's the deal...I am new at this. I am ready for my life and it's purpose. I mean I know my children are my purpose and my LIFE. But what I mean is ME. What am I doing with MY life. I feel a calling. I know am meant for something BIG. There is a fire in me and it want's to burn bright and for everyone to feel it's warmth. So enough with the metaphors.

I wanted to document my journey. A way to look back when I am older and (hopefully) wiser to show how I have grown in my faith. (I have MANY dreams for this little blog!)

I have some fears about being close to God. I kinda feel like I am on the bleachers, interested, faithful, but WATCHING God work. I am ready to step down there into the arena. BUT here it is. I am afraid that when I do that I will be tested! I will be given things to deal with (that I know I will handle through him) but scary, hard things. I was thinking that this is what I am most afraid of! I know I am blessed. But the good goes with the bad. Right? I certainly know that.
I fear that all of the godly people I want surrounding me will see me at my worst and go away.
I fear that I will blame God when bad things happen and not get over it.
I fear that my circumstances will stop me from being my best.
I fear that I will not remember things, (I have a TERRIBLE memory) people's prayer requests. People that have shared with me their hardships, and I don't remember to ask the next time that I see them.
I fear that cynicism will reign and take hold of me when I don't feel life is going my way.

So the opposite of fear is.......courage. I have googled it and it is FAITH. Okay.
So I am a little bit like the Lion from The Wizard of Oz. The first time we meet him he is so ferocious and talks some big talk and then we find out he insn't so tough. I know, like the lion that I have had it all along. I need to use it. So I like using faith, it is easier.
I have faith that I can tackle my problems, my circumstances.
I have faith that people are good.
I have faith that God will show me the way.
I have faith.

I am ready to be a warrior for God. Cheesy. Yes. But that is how I like to put in in perspective. I am a warrior. I need to step up and I need to fight against these fears. I am stronger that I was yesterday and it is only going to get better.....

Bubbles

My Jo said "bubble" today! I was a bit worried that she may be delayed. I mean if she is it's okay I can handle it. But I sure would like to not have to drill words with her like I did her brother and sister. Her language has exploded this past week. She understands so much.
Tonight I had to laugh because I am THAT Mom! I am the Mom who asked the lady at the register to scan my baby's item as she holds it! Yep, I was not going to take Josie's item from her and put it with our other things! She would get upset. For the record I was NEVER that lady. I do sometimes wish Nicholas and Haley could have had THIS lady. The wiser Mom. The Mom who dotes.

Agendas

I am excited about the positive feedback for my new endeavour! It has taken me a while to accept that people are really happy for me. And genuinely care.
2 weeks ago my Pastor said something about calling a friend with no agenda to work a problem out or for advice. This was big for me. I have thought about it alot since that day. I have lived my life as though everyone has an agenda. I am grateful for the people who don't have an one. I am realizing that my friends are all around me. I am very lucky to know some strong ladies. Ladies who are pretty darn special. No one is "out to get me". I have friends who really, truly want to see me happy. That feels good. I have always been the type of person who takes what someone says to me as what they say. Period. No reading between the lines. I am that way. I say what I feel. Simple. Sometimes I shouldn't, but I do anyway.

As I read this I wonder if this should go in a little diary with a lock.

Spring Cleaning

This is crazy. I am so hesitant to write this as I will feel judged. So judged because what is in my head is pretty darn crazy at times.
I watched a movie once. In 5th grade. No idea what it's name was. All I know is that it had Donald Duck in it and it was the kind of thing where he was representing something...not Disney. Like he was there to teach the class a lesson. Well anyway there was a part where we went into his ear and got to see his brain. His brain had file cabinets it it. They were A MESS. Things were everywhere! I remember thinking I feel like my brain would look like that. And in ways it is. Everything has a file. Everyone has a file. At the end of this show his brain was well organized...all files put away and very tidy. Ever since THAT very moment I have wanted some tidy files. I have been going for that my whole life. So just maybe by bringing my files out of the brain into the fingertips I may have my chance!
I am walking with God. Well, God is walking and looking back saying "Come ON April! Let's catch up! YOU have a life to live! A better one."
This is all new to me. As I have always felt so judged by church and people who go to church. Never felt like I belonged. But NOW I really feel like I do. 33 years later I do.
I have taken a HUGE step. But I have taken it and it is comfortable and feels right. I am on the path I just know it. I am there. I just need to STAY there. See the thing is one thing could throw me off. Just one. Little or big. Anything could throw me off of my walk with God. I know this. It is my hope that this feeling of being sidetraked will dissipate over time.
So there my first blog. It feels nice I feel like this could work for my files. I am going to get them in order. Isn't it funny that there are pieces of life, of childhood that you remember. It is like that movie "Signs". Like I am supposed to remember these random moments.
5th grade-Donald Duck brain file movie
9 years old-Savoring moments becuase I knew I would forget them
That's it. Really, I thought I would have this gigantic list. As it usually is I have forgotten. Like always I live life and it breezes by me and only lets me keep a tiny feeling or moment. I want ALL of MY moments.
So this is it. My life. Read it and wonder why you never saw the crazy or embrace it.